Forgiveness isn’t easy, matter of fact forgiving can be very hard! Forgiving isn’t no walk in the park and it’s not something that just happens overnight! It takes a lot of prayer, patience and asking God for strength! As I start this journal, I just want to let you all know how God is capable of you changing you on inside and out! The evil things you feel on the inside can be changed if you go directly to God and tell him exactly how you feel about a certain person or situation! God will give you guidance, clarity and understanding!
At one point in my life I was so angry, bitter, hurt and confused at a person who I thought was supposed to love me unconditionally! They say it’s always the people that’s close to you that hurts you the most, but nothing hurts more than the betrayal of a parent! Someone who is supposed to love, guide, honor, respect and cherish! I guess I didn’t understand his logic, so I always would question “why me”…. Some days were definitely harder than most because I couldn’t grasp the fact that a person can be so evil and malicious towards their own blood! I was so angry that I would contemplate on getting revenge and making people feel the way they made me feel, but I knew that wasn’t going to get me anywhere in life by stooping down to their level of hatred! I mean what’s 10-15 minutes of happiness and a lifelong of regret?
I just knew I had to go to God and ask him to see me through this situation and give me a forgiving heart because at the speed I was going, I was literally setting myself up for self-destruction! I just knew that the hatred in my heart was either going to kill me or make me do something ridiculously crazy and I just knew I didn’t ever want to be in a situation where I have so much hurt + anger built up inside of me ever again, it doesn’t feel good mentally!
I just knew the way I was feeling on inside wasn’t healthy for me, so I decided to use all of that energy into finding myself + learning to fully love myself unconditionally and give all of the things I didn’t have no control over to God! I mean yeah it hurts not being able to be close to one of your parents, but I can’t force anything to happen if the other party don’t want to be involved! I just feel like if God wants it to happen, he will allow it to happen and if not, then hey I did all that I could on my end! It’s only so much you can do as a person to get things right, even if it wasn’t your fault and sometimes just taking the higher road is better for you emotionally when the other person doesn’t feel like they’ve never wronged you!
Moving forward with my life.
I now know how important and vital it is to not only love yourself but to also love God! God is capable of changing, shifting and rearranging things in your life when he feels as if you’re on the road of self destruction! I also know that inorder to be genuinely happy, I have to first be honest with myself and embrace my hardships without projecting them into the back of my head! I have to do the internal work to feel whole and complete! I also don’t ever want to feel powerless, controlled or having limits because I’m too afraid of speaking my truth! We all have a testimony and it’s important to share it with others because you just never know what someone is going through and maybe your situation can help them in their healing process!
I’ve definitely been taking life one day at a time and just enjoying the people that’s currently in my life! It’s so easy getting distracted and losing sight of the very few things that means the world to you! You begin to get so wrapped up in things that doesn’t serve you any good and now you’re back at square one trying to figure things out again! I just want to be able to live in God’s light and love! I wouldn’t say I don’t care, but I am going to say that anything that’s not for me or has the possibility of bringing me down, I don’t want any parts of it in my life! It’s all about forward living and being the best person I know I can be!
Quick prayer to myself:
God you’re in full control of my life, thoughts, and tongue! May my life never be a product of negative thinking but positive affirmative actions! God I open my arms to an abundance amount of peace, joy, prosperity and change! I will continue to focus on the things that’ll make me a better daughter to you, the people in my life and the people that look up to me for guidance!
Quick message to my father:
I truly trust that God is going to make a way for you and allow you to see how important it is to have a relationship with your child! I also trust that God is capable of changing you on the inside and out! God is a God of second chances and if you’re willing to work with him, he will give you a second chance to do things the right way because it’s never too late to change! I forgive, love and still respect you! ❤️